only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live

"Urghh, has the ghost come out?" I asked peeking through my fingers. Congkak was on air and it was not on my list to watch this that night. The movie was giving out eerie sound effects, bringing chills in my backbone and goose pimples on my arms.

"Not yet, relax," my cousin said, confirming. His eyes were wide open. Anxious to see the ghost's appearance I bet.

"How long must it take? Easy for you to say that," I grunted. Feeling childish to hide when every other kid in the house was all eyes on the tv screen, I braved myself to at least give it a go.

"Husna, try to fight that fear of yours," advised PakLang, noticing my cowardice behaviour.

"I've tried - for years," I sighed. The ghost revealed its face or should I say, her. I quickly sought refuge behind KakLong. Blood all over her face, my cousin chipped into my discussion with PakLang.

"Do you know that there's a threshold for every fear? You gotta go beyond that threshold. Gather your courage and face it," started PakLang on what he believes has restrained me from looking fear straight into the eye.

"Threshold?" Inside I wondered: If I can't even bear to look at the ghost, what more do I have to endure to get beyond that threshold he mentioned?

"Yup. For instance, you know those who were sentenced for years behind bars under ISA? At first, those peace warriors probably had fear of being captured. They must have been worried about the many possible things that will happen before them and those left neglected later. But to those who have endured it, they are much braver than those who haven't; to fight for what is right. Do you get my point?"

He wants me to look at what I fear carefreely, I said to myself. Gotta try. "I get it. Probably one day I'll watch a ghost story bravely, but not now."

Lesson:

• Terrified of watching ghost stories does not mean you are a scaredy-cat. Life has its own fears to be encountered. Don't waste your time and don't teach children to grow brave through horror movies.
  
• If you fear something (you run away or feel traumatized), challenge yourself for a go. Fight that fear before it attacks you.

Muslim narrated: Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said:
"The strong believer is better and more loved by Allah than the weak one, but they are both good."

"Strong will for a strong faith, insyaAllah"

your greatest weakness is actually your hidden strength

Overlooking the car park and the wide sky, capturing every detail with the fullest care; falling sick this one time, I have never felt more grateful to Allah for giving me the chance to learn that it’s ok to be weak once a while.

Some people would cheat to become stronger, others would train physically or mentally to gain strength, yet more often than not, everyone develops into someone tough and more matured through falls and failures.

Yesterday, I was a first timer as a hospital patient and no words could describe the anxiety and bliss pumping through all inches of my body. Having dreams of being a medical attendant one day, it was like a dream come true to be treated by numerous of them all throughout my stay there (smiling with glee).

Timeline

4^th September 2009 (Friday)

9.30am

It all started with a painful feeling all night, so I decided to pay a visit to see Dr Saadah that morning. Surprised with my situation, Dr Saadah advised me to have an immediate appointment with my doctor back at home. My heart started jumping all of a sudden, this is it! When I gave a call home, Ummi was half-worried, calling me every 10 minutes to go through with her my return plan. When I told my friends and naqibah about the sudden decision, you would never trust the news either because my facial expressions did not match, breaking the bad news whilst smiling from ear to ear, hoho. I don’t blame them for exchanging puzzled looks, sorry :D I was just plain excited to be hospitalized. Thank you, gals for the supportive words and aura. They meant so much to me :)

8.30pm

In the end, this was the earliest bus I managed to catch. Thank you, Fi, for sending me to the bus station and accompanying me until break of fast.

5^th September 2009 (Saturday)

1.00pm

After meeting Dr N, it was arranged that my operation would be on 10am the next day. Oh, yeay~ Allahuakbar

6^th September 2009 (Sunday)

10.00am

I sat in my room, playing around with everything and tried to stay put, as Ummi told me to. The doctor was not in yet and there was a medical attendant who kept coming in and out to give the operation outfit and checking my situation: blood pressure and all. Waiting was rather difficult as eagerness festered on my insides.

1.00pm

I changed into the operation outfit.

1.25pm

They took me to the operation theatre. MasyaAllah, it was freezing cold until your bones would shiver along. They injected me with something and all of a sudden, I felt warm starting from my legs and then, the warmth slowly crept upwards.

2.15pm

“Huh? The operation’s finished already?” I said, sadly. “Yep,” she said, conforming. So, that was it, I guess. AlhamduliLlah, everything went out ok. I took the general anesthetic, so your whole body becomes unconscious. I only managed to remember every detail of the room i knocked out, couldn’t even catch a glimpse of Dr N though. The stitches were aching and all I wanted was rest.

7^th September 2009 (Monday)

4.30pm

Goodbye, Dr N, MAs and nurses, and thank you so much for your care. I fully enjoyed my stay at the hospital.

Lessons learnt

If you fully observe the hospital system and the doctor-patient relationship, you could learn so much:

1. A murabbi should be attentive, ever-ready to help and cheerful

Dr. N and Dr Saadah, not to forget, were such nice people. They listened to my health conditions and treated me with love and care. How many of us could be that patient when a friend or mad’u came to us constantly for guidance or attention? Well, there could be once in a while when our expressions cannot fool them, showing fatigue probably. The solution is to never give up because you’ll never know, probably today is their day, one day it will be ours.

2. A murabbi should have a sense of understanding

Dr N and Dr Saadah were very good in treating my situation private and personal. They didn’t shout out or made a hullabaloo about me. AlhamduliLlah. For instance, if a friend chooses you to share his/her family problems and no one else, never ever share this with another person you trust, but with an exception that the other person you share it with does not know your friend and is able to help you with the problem. Also, if your friend has problems involving loss of lives etc, you should know how to tackle the situation without bringing humiliation to his/her dignity.

3. A murabbi should be hardworking and always check on the situation of his/her mad’u

I would never forget how the nurses came up to me constantly, checking out how everything was going out even in the middle of the night. Then, a murabbi should be just like that. Always there for the mad’u, so that one day Allah may bless all your hard work and sacrifice. Hard? Oh, yes but that is the only way to a person’s heart: showing that you care.

4. We should always be the hand above and not below

Giving is better than receiving. Never ask unless you have nothing.

Quotes

Fi: So, what was your illness again? Come on, tell me…

(everyone’s been asking me the same question for the umpteenth time)

Husna: Fi – please don’t ask that again. You know, I don’t want to be reminded that I’m weak.

Fi: Husna, you know that we should always bear in mind that we’re meek servants of Allah. It is ok to feel weak so that you will feel humble and not strut.

Husna: (deep down inside somehow, I felt stupidly guilty for always acting strong and denying my actual self)

When you’re sick, are you the missing link or the invisible link? You choose.

Strength is not what the eyes see, but what the heart feels